Google reportedly planning subscription service for your personal data

"For the first time ever, we will allow people to own their own data. This is truly revolutionary.”

According to leaked internal memos, exclusively obtained by The Lunduke Journal, Google is preparing a new subscription service tentatively named “Google Myself”.

“Finally, people will be able to own their own data,” reads the Google memo. “For a low monthly fee, everyone will now have the ability to own the rights to their personal information. Personal calendars and emails. Contacts. Private thoughts. Family pictures. Location data. For the first time ever, we will allow people to own their own data. This is truly revolutionary.”

The service, which will reportedly launch in Q3 of 2022, will provide a single monthly cost for all of your personal data. Should a user cancel the service (or fail to pay the monthly fee on time), according to the memos, the rights to their personal information will revert back to the original owner: Google’s parent company, Alphabet.

The Lunduke Journal reached out to industry leaders for comment on the new “Google Myself” service.

Apple CEO, Tim Cook: “Dangit. Why didn’t we think of that?”

Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg: “insert appropriate human response”

Former Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey: “Как я и предсказывал! Конец близок! Вы все погибнете в огне! Но я точно не Распутин!”

When Richard Stallman was asked for comment on the “Google Myself” service, his head promptly exploded.

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This is a work of satire. The Lunduke Journal kindly requests that the individuals and companies named above not sue us out of existence.

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