BREAKING: EU orders Apple to add RS-232 port to iPhone

“We’re… super… excited to add a serial port to the iPhone,” stated Apple CEO Tim Cook, in a not at all forced tone of voice.

The European Union has approved legislation which will require Apple to add an RS-232 serial port to all iPhones starting in 2023.

The “Serial Port on Smartphone Standardization Bill” comes hot on the heels of two other pieces of legislation which will require Apple to drop the “Lightning” port in favor of USB-C, as well as make batteries user replaceable, in future iPhone models.

“This is a major win for consumers all across the EU,” stated Friedrich Bierhals, member of the EU Parliament from Germany who helped craft the new law. “Europeans have long struggled due to Apple’s refusal to implement industry standards. So we looked back over the last 40 years to find the most common type of computer hardware standard. We’re pretty sure it’s the RS-232 serial port. You’re welcome.”

According to sources inside Apple, the new serial interface will have a max speed of 115200 bit/s and be positioned on the top of the iPhone.

“We’re… super… excited to add a serial port to the iPhone,” stated Apple CEO Tim Cook, in a not at all forced tone of voice. “Now you can directly connect your favorite… external… 56k modem… or your printer… or something… directly to your iPhone. Because that totally makes sense and is definitely not giving me an aneurysm.”

In related news, the EU is considering new rules which would require future smartphones to be able to operate on both the CompuServe and Prodigy networks.

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Note from the Lunduke:

After writing this, I was struck by a realization… I actually kinda want an RS-232 port on my smartphone.

Imagine being able to plug in an old-school joystick. Or a sync-cable for a PalmPilot! The possibilities are… well… maybe not endless… but there’s still at least a few cool things you can do!