Seattle Tech Company announces "Crypto-As-A-Service via 5G" [SATIRE]

A major Seattle-area Tech firm is announcing their plans to roll out "Crypto-as-a-Service via 5G" in the coming days.

"We stand on the precipice of history, poised to disrupt the industry through distributed blockchain containerization," stated the company's CEO on a recent Zoom call with investors. "Never before has Big Data been synergized with Machine Learning, piggy backing on 5G Hyper-Connectivity. Using Augmented Reality Smart devices, to improve the customer journey, showcases a level of innovation never before seen in the industry.

"Docker. Kubernetes. Quantum computing. DevOps," continued the CEO. "Think about it."

In response to this news, Interplanetary Space Pirate, Elon Musk, posted the following on Twitter:

"Sounds like a good reason to invest in DogeCoin, y'all! To the mooooooooon!"

A spokesperson for the EFF (Electronic Frontier Foundation) issued the following statement: "We are concerned how this will harm Net Neutrality efforts. And/Or we are happy about how this will assist in Net Neutrality. This is about Net Neutrality, right? Because we're all going to die because of Net Neutrality. Or without Net Neutrality. Shoot. I forget which it is."

In unrelated news, writing those words caused every blood vessel in my brain to explode.