Man charged with "telling people he uses Arch across state lines"
Prosecution makes case that Seattle area man travelled between states with clear intention to "tell people he uses Arch".
Edward Samson, a 27 year old man from Seattle, is currently on trial for criminal declaration of Arch usage across state lines.
“I mean telling people you use arch is bad enough,” stated one irate ZDNet Tech Journalist covering the trial. “But traveling across state lines to do it? That’s just inexcusable. If this man is not found guilty, and put behind bars for a good long time, what’s the point of even having laws in the first place?”
Technology journalists throughout the industry were quick to condemn the defendant.
“He had clear intent to tell people he uses arch,” wrote one writer for Vice. “This wasn't some spur of the moment, once in a million years sort of thing. He knew what he was doing. And he travelled across state lines to do it. STATE LINES. Inexcusable.”
"I’m still shaking,” said one victim. “I was waiting in line to order my lunch. He was in front of me in line. He turns — oh god — looks me right in the eyes and… and he just says it.”
“Yeah, I saw the whole thing. It was nuts,” stated a fast food worker who witnessed the event. “He was just like… Boom! ‘By the way I use Arch’. Says it out of freakin’ nowhere. That poor lady hit the floor. I was like ‘sir, this is a Wendy’s.’”
If convicted, Samson could face up to 15 years in jail, for each offence, and be forced to shave his neck.
This is satire. Satire, I say!
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