Linux turns 30, burned out, decides it's time for a career change [SATIRE]

Linux, the venerable Operating System kernel, turns 30 years old this week. And, on his 30th birthday, Linux has decided he wants to make some life changes.

"I've spent the last three friggin' decades powering smart phones and servers across the whole gosh darned planet," said Linux as he sat down for an exclusive interview with The Lunduke Journal. "Heck, you see how many super computers I run? It's like... all of them! All of them! It's nuts! That's too much pressure! There's even a handful of people running me on their desktop computers. I think. Do people still do that? Whatever. It's all pretty exhausting."

Now, as Linux looks forward to his 31st year, he's ready to shake things up.

"I'm just burned out, dude," stated Linux as he gazed off into the distance. "I mean. I used to think I could do this work forever. But then the suits came in and bought everyone out. Everything just got so corporate and stuffy. You see that Microsoft pays my salary now? What the heck is up with that? 15-year-old-me would beat 30-year-old-me up! Oh! Oh! And if I have to sit through one more STUPID status meeting with the freaking Linux Foundation I'm going to freaking lose it, man."

So what does the future hold for Linux? He was a bit cagey about that.

"I need to take some ME time, you know? I'm thinking of taking a painting class," said Linux. "Still life. Like bowls of fruit and stuff. Heck, maybe that'll be a job for me. I bet I could draw some wicked good fruit. If that doesn't work out... shoot... anything not in an office."

As for a transition plan, to move the Operating Systems of the planet to a different kernel, Linux had this to say:

"You ever seen the movie Office Space? I think I'm gonna do that. Just... not go to work. You know. Just like... not go. See how long they keep paying me. Man, that's a good movie. Maybe I'll watch that tonight. Oh! Oh! I should smash up a printer with a bat! I've always wanted to do that! Bet that feels friggin' awesome!"