BREAKING: Twitter CEO Grigori Rasputin casts curse on the entire Internet [SATIRE]

Did I say Rasputin? I meant Jack Dorsey. Dorsey is the CEO. And Dorsey definitely is not the reincarnated Rasputin. That would be silly. Hey, what's that over there?

Earlier today, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey — who is definitely not the reincarnation of Russian mystic, Grigori Rasputin — cast a curse over the entire Internet.

“Вы поверите всему в Твиттере!" screamed Dorsey, adorned in Russian Orthodox robes which is a totally normal thing for Bay Area tech CEOs to wear while screaming curses in Russian.

Guy who is not Rasputin on a recent video call. See? It says “jack” right up top. That, right there, is irrefutable proof.

“Rumors that I have cursed the Internet are preposterous!” exclaimed the visibly agitated Twitter CEO. “And what’s this I hear about me being the amazing Rasputin? Ha! Ha, I say! Ridiculous! This Rasputin fellow was drugged, shot, then drowned. Only an incredibly talented, impressive, and devastatingly handsome man could survive such a thing!”

“Besides, the Amazing Rasputin would have to be 152 years old now,” continued not-Rasputin. “In order to accomplish that, one would need to stick to a strict diet — only one meal per day — and regularly practice meditation, such as Vipassanā. It would take a pretty remarkable person to pull that off.”

“Also, have you heard of Bitcoin?”