Apple announces new iPhones, says old iPhones "total garbage" [SATIRE]

New Apple hardware is the best ever. Way better than that old shlock.

CUPERTINO, CA — Apple today announced the iPhone 13, the company’s latest update to the popular iPhone line.

“The new iPhone 13 is truly groundbreaking,” stated Apple CEO, Tim Cook. “Those old iPhones? Anyone who owns one of those should probably just toss it. Total garbage.”

Among the many new features of the iPhone 13 are a brighter screen, faster CPU, and improved cameras.

“I can’t even believe we shipped those terrible cameras in the old iPhones,” said Cook. “I mean, barf-a-roni. These new cameras though? Totally great. We really mean it, this time.”

“Plus, the new iPhone 13 comes in five colors,” interjected Greg Joswiak, VP of Marketing for Apple. “And not one of those colors makes you want to gouge your eyes out with a wooden spoon. Not one! So, you know, it’s better than the iPhone 12 right there.”

Along with the new iPhone models, Apple has also announced a new iPad Mini that is, according to Apple executives, “finally worth owning” and a new Apple watch that is “not a poorly designed wrist turd with a battery.”